Being Mortal: My takeaways

Before I begin with my book review, I would like to tell all my readers that this is my personal view on the book and I would request everyone to read it and evaluate what you gain from this book. Feel free to share your learning in the comments section below.

Being Mortal : Atul Gawande

I still remember that time when I picked up this book.

I (against my habit) reached much before the boarding time for my flight. Just casually went to a book store and was looking at all those books kept there. Out of all the books, my eyes glued to a book; on the white cover page, written in black "Being Mortal: Atul Gawande".

As I read this name again and again, my mind jumped back in time when I saw him on a television show. It was an interview conducted by a famous business channel of India. I remember how he described this book and how he generated a curiosity within me to read this book.

Without waiting much, I picked up this book and went to the payment counter. After paying for this book, I got another reason for my flight to take off soon (the first reason was of course that I was not used to this experience of waiting for my flight).

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"I see it now - this world is swiftly passing................."

With this, I started my journey which changed my perception towards one of the gray areas of life: Death.

Death is considered to be that spot of life which everyone fear to reach but no one can do anything about it. We can use old age creams to stop signs of ageing, eat healthy to maintain our body shape and burn some amount of toxins everyday in a park to keep muscles strong. All these steps, from natural to man made, can definitely push signs of ageing a bit ahead in future but nothing can get you out of this inevitable circle of life.

When I think hard, I feel that our fear comes from the fact that we know very little about this entire episode of experiencing dying. And icing on the cake is that we know nothing about what happens after our death. There are lots of hypothesis around this but nothing is proved (and the status might not change in the foreseeable future).

Just to explain, if you see a roller coaster in front of you, it is much easier to decide whether you really want to take that ride or not as you know what exactly you are getting into. But if you don't know how that roller coaster looks like, how long and topsy-turvy your ride can be; you might not be able to estimate whether you can really take that adventure or not.

Now top this up with the fact that no matter what, you can't even avoid this ride.

Now you get to know that there is a person who definitely knows about this ride more than you (which is just next to nothing). He has witnessed people taking this ride and is even aware that how you might be able to avoid this ride for a bit longer and enjoy your stay at the wonderland. Because you know that you can't go back from the adventure park without taking this ride, you will look up to that person to guide you and to help you in every possible way.

You meet that person, done with all the greetings and after listening to you he agrees to help you out of this situation. But he asks for some money for his service so that even he can also enjoy the wonderland.

Because he is the only one you know, who can save you from that ride, you get too much dependent on him. This fear of experiencing unknown and continues delays in facing this ride makes you believe that he can save you from this unavoidable journey.

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We usually associate a doctor as someone who can save lives. A common man even goes to an extend to call a doctor as God. It is because he believes that doctor has got the power to save someone from death and give him a new life.

At desperate moments, we fail to understand that a doctor is also a human being, like you and me. Definitely, he is aware of a set of processes that are followed to save someone from a particular disease, processes that have been tested over and over again. It showed positive results for most of the people while few didn't respond in the expected way. But the truth is that Doctors can't save lives but they can just delay death.

This novel taught me that death is not something that anyone can save you from. It is an inevitable truth of life. I know that you all must be aware of this fact but question yourself that do you really accept this fact?

Dr. Atul says that it is this seed of fear that has surfaced every human being's mind and even the field of Medical Sciences is built on the same surface. In four and a half years of medical schooling, a doctor is just taught how to save someone from death but not how to prepare someone from it. And this lack of preparation to face the final destination of life, makes this journey more painful and dreadful.

So, time to question ourselves guys, do we really want to be prepared to face the truth or just dig our head in the soil and pretend that there is no danger around?

Don't be So "Sorry"

Just read this word loud and clear to yourself.

What can you feel when you read this word?

Whenever we hear someone saying a sorry, we infer two very simple things out of it:

• The person must have committed a mistake.
• He/she must have realised his/her mistake.

Make sure you read the above statement carefully because this blog article will revolve around two basic principles behind using this word "sorry".

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"I know what I have done. Please don't tell me that again and again."
"I am telling you just because I am sure you have not got what I meant."
"I told you that I got you. What else do you need from me now?"
"I don't see that happening."
"Okay. I am really sorry for what I have done. Let's end this now."

So, what's your take from this conversation?

For people of my age, I am sure you will remember one of those cute, little fights you had with your "the one" (They are nothing like I described them. Better word would be little annoying. But if you want happiness to prevail, it is cute. And I am sure, you must have been trained enough to consider it as cute.)

So. coming back to our main point of discussion, what is your take my friend?

Do you see basic principles of this word "sorry" getting fulfilled here?

In such scenarios, when you apologize (just a fancy word for being sorry), do you think that you really meant it?

Let me say something using own experience (yes I have done similar things, sigh!!) and observation, people usually say a sorry just to fulfill this newly injected principle. This principle is strong and potent enough to replace both of those cute and little principles that I mentioned before. And this principle is strong enough to change everything. This principle is:

Just end it man! Sick of what is going on.

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Everyone commits mistakes and everyone is at fault several times. But what you do immediately after committing a mistake is not to search for a solution or a way to correct it but to go to the concerned person and say those 3 magical words.

"I am sorry"

In today's world, usage of this word is just to prove that you are a smart person.

Smart because you understand how this world works. You know that so called "social etiquette" governs that when you are at mistake, just say a sorry.

This word will basically, get you off hook. Because you have apologized to the affected party, you don't hold any responsibility now. In other words, you have done your bit.

Amazing part is that even if you say it with some arrogance and anger

Bam!!

It will be accepted 84% of the times.

Everyone knows it, whether you understand this or not. But consciously or unconsciously, we all follow this principle.

So, I should rephrase my sentence:

Everyone is smart enough to understand this pattern (expert with or without this knowledge). 

Today it is very important for people to listen to this word if someone has committed a mistake. People are least bothered about your feelings of guilt and remorse. They just use the number-of-times-this-word-is-used as a barometer to measure that how bad you are actually feeling.

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We all must have heard one example to understand what is called as "reflex response".

In a lay man's language, reflex response is that sudden response that our body gives in case of some external stimulus, that should be addressed at priority.

Coming to that example:

Original View: If you, by mistake, touch a hot plate; body gives a response to move your hand away and save it from burning.

Modern View: If you, by mistake, touch a hot plate; body gives a response to first say a sorry!!



*Note: I am not against the usage of this word, I am just trying to break the modern notion of using this word to escape any discussions or uncomfortable situations. Its better to discuss for a while and understand your mistake. Then accept it rather than just saying it for the sake of saying it. Because one principle also applies post usage of this word:

Will try never to repeat this mistake

Saala Mein to Sahb Bann Gaya (Part-III)

I can never describe my days at B&D with these two words of english language "sailed through". That's because I was challenged at a regular basis. This was the most exciting part of my internship. I was questioned time and again to produce something different. Whenever Rohit asked me to tell me that think something different, I kept wondering about what was he actually expecting? How can I do something different when there is a fixed pattern these people must be following. Just teach me that and I am good to go."

Yes!!

That was my thinking and even while expressing it right now, I just want to go back and hit this knucklehead hard and show him what I have gained because of the brain scratching. Rohit and Naval gave me a hard time around. Whenever I used to ask them about anything, "Search on Google" was the only reply I got. Ritika and I shared the same look "Why can't they simply answer the question when google will tell exactly the same?".

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I actually learnt something about human psychology from this. Whenever we watch a movie where the protagonist is shown having sleepless nights and questioning himself again and again, we are very much excited with the idea. We enjoy watching their struggle.
But when it comes to us, we chicken out. It is something really common in us. And me not being any different, got infested with the very same rodent of "laziness and follow fixed pattern-ess".
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I still remember that night when I was sitting all alone in the office trying to give my best shot at work and the very moment Rohit saw my work, you have produced crap is what I get as his response.

Isn't this how life is!! From being hero to zero. At one moment, you feel so good that you have grown up and are spending sleepless nights in office and the very next moment your boss says that your work is utter nonsense.

Now just rewinding a bit....

I was having gala time with my buddy/companion/best work buddy Ritika. Everyday, we used to drink two cups of coffee. One at around 12 and second after lunch at around 5. So, we were having fun time during 5pm coffee break when Rohit marched in. He came to me and said those 3 magical words to me
"Show EBIT today"
(for the people who don't have a finance background, EBIT is the earnings of a company before we make adjustments named as   interest payments of loan and corporate tax payments)

Ritika was looking at me with those eyes "Tu to gaya yaar!!!(you are screwed buddy)". I went back to my desk and started working on my model. She came back and still kept laughing stealthily.

Slowly, by the end of the day, everyone started leaving the office. Ritika came to me and asked whether I'm done or not and without even waiting for my answer, she winked and left.


Now I was amongst the last few people in the office. I was getting calls from my dad asking about my whereabouts and the only reply I had to those questions was a simple "I don't know". And like this, I was the last one.
Now I had all those horror movie scenes going around in my head.  The only guy left in the office... All dark and empty around and out of no where a guy comes in front of me with an axe.

Phew!!! It was hell scary.
I felt the chill down my spine and just closed my laptop and ran to the metro station. Luckily, I was almost done before the spookiness made me do this.


The next morning was the one when Rohit labelled me as a dumb-head. Although I produced the right results but I wasted two hours on something that could have been done in like 15 minutes.
This was the time I actually heard my brain getting back in shape and ready to open the doors to new thoughts. (that sound of keeeeeeeeee....).

Saala Mein to Sahb Bann Gaya (Part-II)

Sitting at my work station, in front of my laptop,  I was thinking that when would I get over this "About the Company" part of my internship. It was pretty boring to go through pages and pages about B&D. It is very rare that even a full time employee would know the name of the founder of the company, year of start of operations, number of offices leave alone sections like number of division, management style etc and I was just an intern so you can imagine the boredom!

But the best part was when I looked on my right.

Guess what!

I found Ritika half-asleep with the project overview file in front of her. Looking at her made the situation even worse because for the entire time I kept thinking of switching with her and getting an opportunity to read something related to my work here. But I just discovered that the game was even on both the sides of the table.

But this moment was also like a revelation to me. I had a rush of blood within because I felt so proud of being part of the very same institute where we can dare to sleep on the first day of our internship while sitting right next to the mentor. This means that we are unbeatable when it comes to boring lectures and tortuous professors in big lecture theatres. That is like the best lullaby a student can ever get and the sleep is so satisfying at such times.

That's the spirit Ritika!!

Suddenly, Naval came by and broke her dream by saying
"I am watching you are doing. Wake up guys!!"

But the best part of the day was yet to arrive in the cafeteria during our lunch time.

We went inside and saw a coffee machine with "Cafe Coffee Day" printed all over it. It was like the company left no scope for any other advertisement on its coffee vending machine. The coffee made us feel much better.
We sat together when I saw Naval opening his lunch.

"A bowl full of american corns"

Although it is good to eat healthy but for a guy like me, who lives to eat and is taught that no meal is complete unless it is given a perfect polish of unhealthiness all over it, it was perfectly justified on my part to presume that this is not his usual meal. So, being a punjabi, I asked him
"Sir, are you on a fast today?"

He negated my question but his lunch over the next seventy four days more made it very clear that there are people who believe in eating healthy and not everyone is crazy for tasty food items like me.
Till date, Ritika and I share a good laugh over this incident when I showed my hungry-for-tasty-food-demon.

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My initial stint at B&D got more interesting with each passing day. It was mainly because I started learning the nitty-gritties of financial modeling on Microsoft Excel.

On one fine day, entered Rohit.
Before I start sharing my experiences with Rohit, let me give a brief description of him.



Rohit was my mentor during the summer internship. He is a perfect replacement of Shahrukh Khan in "Rabb Ne Bana Di Jodi",someone who believes in working hard and simple living.
He was quite focussed on his work and liked perfection in the financial models. He used to call me "Zoo-Zoo" and it was always fun to sit around and have chit chat sessions with him. So, luckily, I got a mentor who is also my friend now.

So, Rohit came and the things around me changed. Till then I had finished one financial model of a solar power plant project. This model was already completed by Naval and he gave us the needed information so that we could build our first financial model and learn its working. Rohit asked for my model so that he could figure out that how much did I learn about model building.

He looked at my model and entered a few number here and there. He was baffled by the model and asked me about the total time I took to build it. I thought this was the right time to get a first good impression so I proudly answered "Three".

"You don't know how to build a model. You just made sure that all these numbers are similar to the one built by Naval."


It was just the start of his feedback and was followed by a good amount of confidence thrashing words. I got to know one thing that the next two months won't be very easy with him. But little did I know that it was just one side of him.

To be Continued...

Saala Mein to Sahb Bann Gaya (Part-I)

Okay...

So, first I have my Advisory and Consultancy class. And then later in the day, I just have one Corporate Risk Management class. Then I have an hour’s gap between the two, in which I would have my lunch and grab my today’s issue of ET.

With all these thoughts occupying my mind,I headed towards the first floor.

As everyone I know was preparing for the last trimester of MBA, I was preparing for something totally different which included my plans for the day. I kept thinking that what the hell will I do today and in what order. While climbing up the stairs, my eyes met a pair of eyes looking towards me with a big smile. Those eyes reminded me of a day; not long back that too at this same spot.

And my mind suddenly travelled back in time to recall the event when I last noticed her eyes all glittery with excitement.

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What!!!

She got placed!! That’s a great news man.

So, here it begins; my fellow summer intern got a job in an awesome organization. It seems just like a couple of days back when we used to walk back to the metro station together and I used to pull her leg like anything. And here she is today, standing in front of me with her big twinkling eyes and the biggest smile I had ever seen on her face. A very bright future filled with a lot of new opportunities is now waiting for her.

The more I look towards her, the more nostalgic I get. Remembering that blue wall with a bright name of my company on it,those white marbles that guided me from the main gate to my desk and that brown desk/work station (the name I like more) waiting for me with a label of ‘Zu-Zu’ on it. All those memories are still so fresh in my mind that it feels like I will be going back  to the office in a day or two.

Aaahh..

I just want to go back in time and stay there. But the very next moment my mind gets filled with the thoughts of growing, learning more, exploring new things and getting out of my cocoon. After seeing her, I just wanted to submerge with this feeling of nostalgia once more.

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"So, where exactly is the NSIC building?"

I was drenched in sweat and still was literally running in excitement because it was the first day of my  summer internship. I finally got into one of the leading Financial Institutions of US to explore more domains of finance. Being from a science background, it was very important for me to get into finance company because I had just discovered my inclination towards the subject. On the way to my office,I  saw this man walking towards the shade probably to save himself from the heat when the mercury was boiling at 45’C. I ran towards him and asked about my desired address. He directed me towards the building and even offered me his bottle of water. I plugged in my earphones and started walking towards my destination.

While walking towards my office, various thoughts occupied my mind.

" Am I aptly dressed?"

"How will I introduce myself?"

"Will I be able to perform and give my best?"

I shooed away these thoughts and started focussing on the time which was running out of my hands. Finally I saw the logo of my company which was enough to fill my mind again with various apprehensions. Without even realising it, my speed automatically increased. I was nervous but excited, tired but energetic. 

I asked the security guard to further guide me to the main building and on being asked I told him that I am a summer intern. He asked me to wait and I sat in the lobby. That was the first time I saw the same pair of eyes I was talking about.

“Hi. I am Ritika. We’re from the same institute. Do you know me?”

I saw her face and tried to search in my mental directory. Although I did not recognise her in the first place but by not letting her know this, I warmly greeted her.

“Of course I know you. Hi, I am Rupish.”

We were in the middle of a random conversation when the guard called out her name and handed over a phone to her. She came back to me and said that she has been asked to come in and I have been called on the line. I had a brief conversation with a lady who turned out to be my mentor’s boss. She asked me to join Ritika and start the work. I entered the office and started searching for Ritika. I saw her in the third last row sitting next to some guy (who turned out to be one of my mentors). I walked towards them and introduced myself to him.

“Hello Sir. Good afternoon. I am Rupish Saldi. I am also an intern and have been asked to join Ritika for further proceedings.”

“Hi. I am Naval. I am not your line manager but I work along with him. He is not in town and is stuck with some client. Until he is back, I will be there to guide and help you out.”

To be continued...

Nature: Beauty Redefined

Sitting in a train, near the window, earphones plugged in playing Glen Hansard's number Falling Slowly, notepad in one hand and laptop in another, this is how I travelled from Delhi to Bangalore when I found everyone asleep around. I had a blanket which was somehow too short for my 6 feet 2 inches body. I tried to cover my feet using crepe in order to feel little comfortable. Dim light from outside was enough for me to see what am I writing, thinking and then typing.

I felt cold outside but a little warmth and satisfaction within gave me energy to think, something I just love doing when I am alone. I was pondering deep within, to understand how things shape up and a pile of sand is made into a smooth and well curved pot.

"It is so surprising that a child starts to understand the actions, language and motives of people around even without any formal training of the same. You never train a kid that word 'sit' means to bend your knees, lower down your hips and touch them on the surface to make much of your body weight rest on them. But when you ask a kid to sit down, it will do that.

Who actually tells him/her to do so?

Who is the main driving force behind all this?

Can we really say that human brain knows all the languages and all the things that are present and seen by naked eyes before only?

Do we actually have so much stored up there?

A kid starts to learn things and shapes up his/her future into a successful astronaut or doctor or engineer or management graduate etc or unsuccessful businessman/businesswoman or pilot or professor etc.

So, everything starts from nothing or from something?"

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While my brain was self-oogling all the questions related to human brain, I suddenly noticed something. I saw a reflection of some light on the glasses of my spectacles. I saw on my left, just a beam of light was coming from outside tearing the curtains apart. I pushed the curtains on one side and saw a red ball far away from me, coming out of lush green trees. I could clearly see the most serene and beautiful sunrise of my entire life. I felt the speed of my brain slowing down. It was as if I am losing control over my thoughts and my soul is taking over my entire body.

I immediately removed the earplugs, left my laptop there, kept my notepad over the laptop and moved out. I went near the door of the train. For the first time in life, I opened the gate while the train was tearing the air apart at a good speed of 60-80 Kms/Hr. As soon as I opened the gate, I could see the sun rising from the lap of green trees and brown earth. I felt a sudden gush of air from outside which didn't stop by this layer of skin. I felt it moving inside out of me.

This air was as cold as the air-conditioned air inside the compartment but I didn't feel cold even for once. It felt as if it was a part of my body ever since. I felt so complete with this cool gush of air reaching within me and nature's blessing in the form of a sun rise happening just in front of my eyes.

I kept looking out for sometime. I saw little mountains all around me, covered by green trees with patches of grey rocks of different shapes resting over them. There were rocks with so much diversity in shapes that human beings could have named them as different species on the basis of morphological features, if they were not non-living things.

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"When everyone starts with this prerequisite knowledge book then why humans have lost their tendency to comprehend it now?
It is said that humans use about 10% of their brain size. If that is true then what exactly is there in the rest of the 90% human brain?
Is it this untapped and unidentified knowledge base that every human being carries but seldom uses or never uses?
In this world, we have had great scientists but no one was able to decode the codes in our brain. People dissected open it up but no one actually reached beneath the outer surface of the brain. Even today, science is studying brain and everyday comes up with hypotheses which just bring phenomenal things on the table. We have reached so far but no one knows how far to travel from here."

I was so much soaked up in my thoughts that I didn't even realize that I should go downstairs. It was a pleasant and windy night in Bangalore. I gulped some water and tried to distract my brain. Sometimes, it becomes a problem that you just can't control the flow of thoughts, especially when you want to.
I stood up and started strolling around. Suddenly, I felt a sudden gush of blood within my body, my hands tried to get hold of something around but to my despair, nothing solid was around. I lost my balance and got down. But somehow, adrenaline rush saved me from a big injury.
After a couple of seconds, I got hold my conscious in true sense. I have observed that every time someone is about to fall, entire body gets into the task to save itself from going down. Each cell starts burning oxygen to gather enough energy to get itself back on feet. And it takes sometime to reach homeostasis again. Something very similar happened with me. I looked up, as I was still on the floor, and tried to get up. But something stopped me.

It was nothing except that dark sky filled with twinkly stars. This base had a cherry at top in the form of a bright moon. I still remember that sight.

When you see something ending nearby and realise that it is actually never ending, it is just an inexpressible feeling. You want to close your eyes for a second, but the fear of losing this sight forever makes you just stare at the sight. A dark blue background filled with white dots that actually depict something like this very planet. This realisation gave me chills.

Although, everyone read about this during school days but when you realise it, its so very different. This realisation happens when your brain just loses its grip and gets entangled in the beauty bestowed by almighty.

Guys, just look around.
World is filled with such wonders. You might see some cute little one smiling or a kitten trying to sleep covering itself with its tail or an old person with so many unsaid, unheard stories. Who needs to travel thousands of kilometers to see seven wonders of the world when every sight around you is a wonder in itself.


Anything needed is just to Stop and Look around!! 

Can I Die Now?

After a person attains 18 years of age, he/she takes most of the major decisions. From dress to wear to college to go, from perfume to apply to partner to marry but there is one decision that is just beyond a person's control. It is a very basic decision but no one is powerful enough to take this decision on his/her own.
Before I tell you about that decision, let me play a very simple game with all of you.

I request all the readers to make sure that they are above 18 years of age or of minimum legal age in their nation to be labelled as "adult citizen" before they proceed ahead.


Name of this game is "Will you die now?". Rules are simple. I will give you a situation and you need to think whether that situation is strong enough to make you feel that Now I must kill myself as I can't take it anymore. When you feel that you can't take it anymore then kindly shift rest of the situations.

Situation 1: You wanted an iPhone but your dad didn't allow you to buy it
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Situation 2: You wanted to take commerce but your parents made you take sciences
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Situation 3: You had a big crush on someone but he/she was already committed
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Situation 4: You failed in few subjects of your mid-term examination
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Situation 5: You failed in your final exams
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Situation 6: You were left by your "the one"
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Situation 7: You were caught while committing an act of treason to your nation
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Situation 8: You have a deadly disease and you will have a painless death soon
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Situation 9: You have a deadly disease and you will have a painful death
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Situation 10: Your limbs are not working and organs are also giving up. You were a man of desires and ambitions. You are just helpless and dependent on others right now. And you would soon have a death which can't be described in words

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Few days back, I watched a movie. It was on a disease quadriplegia. As it is a very sensitive topic, I don't want to take any names or point out on anything specific. After those 126 minutes, I was completely baffled and numb. My thought process was jammed and I just had one big question in my mind.

"I know I can't take birth by my choice. But why can't I die, when I want to, in a respectful and lawful manner?"

In India, no one is allowed to die by his/her own choice, with dignity. You are most welcome to kill yourself but later police will register a case under Section 306 of Indian Penal Code (IPC). It will be considered an act of crime.

To clarify my point, I am talking about something known as Euthanasia. Euthanasia or good death was a concept introduced in this world quite long ago but it seems that we are taking too long to change the legal set-up to allow some exceptions.

Is it just because we are worried that maybe we will get our hands dirty with someone else's blood? Or is it that we just want to avoid taking any bold decisions?

India was/is knows as a land with stubborn legal measures. Whether it is Section 377 to put forward legal pressure to force someone to choose one's partner as per the laws of the land or introducing something very much needed like right to die with dignity, Indian legal system has shown a very quasi-flexibility related to such issues that matter.

To clarify my point , I am not encouraging people to kill themselves as soon as some trouble pops up. I am a man with high spirits to live a life involving struggle and pain. I am not, by any means, trying to convey my support to those who end up their lives because of some reason which can't be justified by rational thinking.

But I feel that denying the right to end one's life under special circumstances is like a murder where you are not just killing a person but inflicting pain and sufferings to slowly decay everything left within that person.

Whenever I think about this situation to live a forced life, I see a fish which is about to die as it mistakenly came out of the water. It can not breath and is just trying to get into the water to save itself. It exhausts every damn ATP to move its muscles in order to just slip herself in again. Law must understand that a person who is stuck in a similar situation and intent, has got every right to die with dignity. It is because that person is not like some depressed individual with suicidal tendencies and thoughts but one who wants to live if the blockade is removed. But he/she is accepting the fact of life and wants to take some decision related to the same. Most of the people are not even courageous enough to accept the inevitable truth of one's life. Instead of just evaluating the reason behind this courageous decision, we judge them with a very wrong impression in our mind.

I may not be have a right to suggest my birth place or my birth time or my birth year but I should have a right to decide my death year, death place and death time.

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As per Indian law, Euthanasia is still considered illegal. Although countries like Netherlands, Belgium, Luxembourg, Switzerland etc have legalized Euthanasia to end patient's sufferings by near and dear ones and by their consent. Maximum flexibility shows by the Indian law is to allow partial euthanasia which involves ending the sufferings of  person who is on a life support system and is not expected to recover any time soon (or even later).

As per Universal Declaration of Human Rights, Article 3:
"Everyone has the right to life, liberty and security of a person"

This right in itself gives right to death as well. To explain the logic, if I consider right to express, then it gives a person right to express his/her thoughts independently. The very same right also gives a right not to express one's thoughts. It is not mandatory for every human being to keep expressing thoughts. Applying the same concept, I feel that right to death comes along with the right to life.

So, are we justified to take away this basic human right from citizens?

Explode or Implode: Grand Bargain Theory

"I must tell someone about this."

"No, I can't"

"But I have to. I cant hold it within me."

"Can you face this world after telling it to someone?"

"No, I won't be able to but what should I do?"

"I have to take it."

"I just can't. Please help me."

"I have to be stronger."

"But its killing me."

"Then IMPLODE but hold it."

"I will EXPLODE."

"And then what? What will you gain from that?"

     ***                                             ***                                           ***

In life, everyone faces such moments that can't find an escape route. Every person goes to grave with such moments clung tightly to himself/herself. Even if you want to, you just can't do it. And every such moment leaves you with a quest, a quest that only you can solve and solve it all alone. And the quest is to stop it from leaking out.
Human brain is programmed in such a way that we don't think much before sharing the day-to-day incidents with people around us. It gives us a sense of pleasure and content to share what we think with people we love. But these "X-moments" are meant to stay a mystery or a blank page in this book named "My Life". You don't even feel like sharing them with yourself, forget about anyone else around. So, what to do when one part of your brain forces you to do the usual while the other part tells you that it is infeasible?

What to do when you just want to go out and shout out loud?

What to do when you are just breaking from within and hurting yourself but it still seems impossible to share your feelings?

What to do when you want to cry but you can't because it won't serve any constructive purpose?

In such situations, you tend to bargain with yourself. Here you have two grand bargains that you tend to make with yourself.

1) When I will share my deep down emotions with someone, he/she might be able to help me out. Maybe he/she would be able to tell me something that I am missing out. Maybe I will find a way out of this suffering and then live a happy life ever after. This pursuit of happiness may find its final destination if I just get to speak my heart out in front of someone I trust.

If our brain has already given up and is left with little power to come up with any bargain breaker, we submit in front of the problem and talk to someone.
Let me be clear to all my readers that I am not implying that it won't help. And I can't imply that because I, myself, don't know the way out of this riddle-like-situation and by this blog, even I am trying to learn. Probably sharing your problems will help you. But probably it won't.

If you think it won't then the other half of the brain is clever enough to come up with a grand bargain breaker to keep us swirling in this mental state of stupefaction.

1*) When I will tell someone about this incident, I will be sharing some personal part of my life with him/her. Can I trust him/her? If someday he/she plans to use it against me or blabber this in front of anyone else? What will happen if this thing comes out? Am I really ready to share it with someone? Am I?

This perplexed situation gets more perplexed when you are in this loop of confusion. And its a human tendency to address uncertainty and negativity first. It is usually done to solve it and get rid of it but in some cases this muddle gets so sticky that only a focussed mind can get us out of it. But our brain has already capitulated in front of this problem and is just ready to accept the fate. Hence, this grand bargain stands.



If it does not, then comes the second bargain from the other part of our brain. This second bargain is weaker in front of the first one as our brain has already started to get exhausted.

2) When I will share this problem with him/her, probably I will get some sympathy. Maybe this extra-attention will give me some strength to absorb some more. Right now I am weak and not in a situation to stay alone. If someone will tag along with me, I would probably get some energy and that "Feel Good Factor" by my side.

This emotional approach does not have any strong grounds. In other words, a rational thinker will not pay any heed to such arguments. But as mentioned above, rationality is already presented (with respect) in front of the problem and the person is all set to accept the fate.
But the most dreaded part is if you come up with the second bargain breaker also. And it is so because in the end the purpose is not fulfilled. You will get even more confused and keep having those ambiguous thoughts of moving either side. But as every side has tied you up with strings, you stay within the loop, hurting and punishing yourself.

2*) What the hell am  I thinking? Am I so bad that I need to use some personal problem to gain this attention? Have I really lowered my standards to this extent?

These questions are self-answered as a person seldom accepts any negative quality, unless forced to. As a strong individual, you take the decision not to tell anyone but for a moment, you forget that your brain is not out of those cobwebs holding you within the loop. And sooner or later, when the pain and problem strikes again, this algorithm gets going again. And it will keep on happening unless you consciously take a strong decision and decide never to look back.

When I see myself in you

Just walked down to my washroom and looked into the mirror. They say that a mirror shows you who you are and what you are. It is said to show you the real "you".

But today when I walked in front of the mirror, I didn't see me. I gazed on that image I saw in front of me. It was of a twenty-twenty two years old guy with untrimmed beard, threadbare spectacles, tensed face trying to find out answers to many unsolved questions in mind. I kept looking and saw an image of another person in the glasses of those worn out spectacles. That guy was even more shabbily dressed and tensed than the former. But what surprised me was that within that image I saw another image of a person in the pupil of the eyes. This guy seemed to be dejected by the world, unaided, isolated and deserted from anyone around.

Suddenly, I just lost my focussed approach which was treading down the image line. I stepped back and touched myself. I realised I was none of those guys. I had a smile on my face, cool beard look and up-to-date spectacles to match my personality.

Then who were those guys?

From where did all of them approach in my image?

What did it signify?

Was it actually that? No, it can't be. It was long ago. It just can't follow me till now.

Then what was it?

Am I sure it was not what I suspect it was?

Was it really because of today's incident?

Was it.............

.......................

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Pooja: "It's getting late. Let's leave soon. It will take us an hour to reach home"
Kunal: "Sure. Even I was planning to leave as soon as possible. Let me just check whether I have done all the formalities required for the day."
Pooja: "Do everything quickly."

After sometime.

Pooja: "Are you done with everything. You know how everything is. Let's leave."
Kunal: "Ya. Let's go."

They went to the car and without wasting any time Kunal got on to the driving seat and was as usual excited to drive both of them back. Kunal just enjoyed driving after a hectic day at office. While going back home, they always used to listen to music and side-by-side had a regular chit-chat sessions.
Pooja used to discuss all the office politics and "who-said-what" stuff. Kunal used to filter things out. He used to act as if he is listening to all that stuff but like a typical guy, he used to shut the doors of his cerebrum and allowed it to enjoy some fun neighbor talk with the cerebellum. But something just caught his attention. Out of nowhere, Pooja started discussing her personal life. There was a little unrest in her life and the reason behind it was a breakup with her boyfriend. He did listen to everything but while listening his mind travelled time and distance.

***                                                                           ***                                                                     ***

Aanya: " I just can't do it. We can never be together from now on."

Kunal: " Why are you punishing me? I am sure everything will be alright one day. At least give it a genuine chance."

Aanya: "Sorry but my family will also not support it. Its not possible."

Kunal: "We have spent so much time together. It means nothing to you now?"

Aanya: "Bye."

This one episode left Kunal shattered. His self-confidence and personality went for the butcher's knife and were dead for now.He just tried to assemble the broken pieces and connect the dots to understand what went wrong.

***                                                                           ***                                                                     ***

Her tears brought him back to senses and he looked into her watery and crystal clear eyes. He was shocked to see himself in her eyes, depressed and lying alone on the ground, his eyes opened wide and hands trembling. Before he realised, he was gasping for fresh air and sweating in a well air conditioned car. He looked at her again and this time, he just saw the pain in her eyes so hugged her tight.

After sometime, she soothed down and was feeling better. But his mind was stuck behind. He was thinking again and again that why did he see himself in her eyes. He has got nothing to do with her boyfriend, her relationship or her breakup but he just felt connected as if he was involved in all this. It was like he was going through a breakup again. He could feel that pain and started directing his emotions in a very controlled and constructive manner in order to put her back and keep her moving.

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In life, sometimes you get a chance to see yourself in others. At times, you can just feel what others might be feeling. These are the desperate times when you just want to take things in your hand and make them move as per your command. These are the times when you feel that you know the situation, you know the loopholes, you know the potholes and you can just drive the other person away from this mess. It becomes frustrating to see the other person still doing what you think would be wrong to do in such a situation.

You try to pull him/her back, shout at her/him or if you are really connected with him/her that you will even try to just come in between the path. But what you forget is that you learnt the right way only after falling down again and again. You know what is right today only because you had enough trouble getting out of the pit you were digging unknowingly for yourself. And few things can only be learnt if you learn them on your own, without any external help. For example, when a butterfly comes out of its cocoon, it is said to be a very painful experience for the butterfly. But without that experience, butterfly will fail to live a healthy life ahead. In a very similar way, some life experiences are important to be learnt on your own. No matter how many times a person tells you what is right and what is not right for you, you need to fall down, get hurt and learn to get up and keep walking.

That's Life dude!!

Mental Virginity-Need of The Hour(Part-4)

Today, I learnt something new at school. Periods. Mom says I'm a big girl now. I should be careful and should not talk about it in front of papa and bhai!

I should also sit with my legs closed together and behave properly. 

Don't enter the kitchen. Don't touch the pickles. Don't bake cakes. Don't come in contact with men. Don't swim. Don't wash your hair.

Don't don't don't!

I find it very problematic that most mothers don't discuss menstruation with their daughters before they begin to menstruate  the discussion always takes place after the shock and for a girl between the age of 10-14 years or even younger,  it really does come as a shock to see their favourite dress stained with blood one fine day all of a sudden.

Some might even think that they are sick or have hurt themselves 'in the place where they pee from!' Yes that's what it is called. 

When ads for sanitary napkins appear on television,  mothers bat away their questions by saying, they would understand when they get older.

Then there is school,  which plays its part in further hushing up the topic and creating more confusion in the minds of young girls and majorly in boys as well.

I remember when we once had a seminar on menses. Mine hadn't started yet, but I had a vague idea about them . While the boys were sent out to play, the girls were made to gather around in a room, where they were introduced to menstruation and sanitary napkins for the first time.  As expected later,  the girls were all giggly and the boys were seen strutting around hinting that they knew what it was all about and shouting out names of popular sanitary napkin companies in order to embarrass the girls.  Schools really do a great job in messing up young girls and boys in this regard because,  instead of having a co-ed seminar and focusing on sensitising the topic,  they go for the most convenient route they can find, which is by segregation! 

In India,  most of the taboos stem from the time before sanitary napkins,  when women were made to stay in a hut outside their village during their periods . From not being allowed in the kitchen to being prohibited from going to temples,  the women were seen as impure  and were further bewildered with instructions to stay away from every possible chore!

This kind of attitude just reinforces the fact that menstruation is something to be embarrassed about and should be kept a secret. Or the time, when you go to buy a packet of sanitary napkins , the discomfort you feel when you tell the man standing there that you need a Whisper Ultra which is then put into a black polythene bag so that nobody gets to know what a girl is carrying because it is considered to be a shameful act!

There are women who have spent their teenage years,  too embarrassed to buy sanitary pads, even though their families could afford them and used discarded clothes instead.  

Sadly , there are still a lot of women and not just middle aged mothers and elderly grandmothers but also educated ones who contribute to the tabooing of menstruation even today! 

We still don't take pride in our ability to menstruate and give birth to a new life!!

(P.S- This blog article is submitted by another guest writer with signature PC. She is young, talented painter who wanted to write on a very complex issue that is very difficult for any guy to understand and write. I am thankful to her for expressing this feeling with all of us)

Yes or No??

"Get ready. They are here"

Her heart started pounding, hands started trembling, eyes getting little watery, erector pili muscles getting to their job, muscles getting twitches and complete body getting restless.

She gulped in some water and tried to calm down herself and specifically her mind. She did some final touch ups. And now she was all set to move out.
While sitting there and waiting for someone to give her an indication, her mind began thinking some weird thoughts.              


                                                                                     "Is this the right time?"
             
                                                "What will they ask?"                                                              
                   
                "How should I greet them?"

                                                                   "Is my lipstick looking okay?"
                                                                                                                                                                             "I hope I am not over done."
   
   "I hope everything happens for good."




"Di, let's go"

This brought her out of her weird-thought-land.

She came out with a tray in her hands. Like in all bollywood movies, it had a kettle, milk, sugar and some cookies. She served everyone as per the individual requirements. After sometime, everyone asked her to go out with the guy and show him their house and especially the balcony and its view.

She wondered that no one ever goes out on a normal day and today the balcony is suddenly like the best place to hang out.

But she did as expected.

Both of them sat down. They were looking a little shy but happy.

"Hi, My name is Kanav. And you are?"
"Hello. My name is Kanika"

"I heard you have done your post graduation and working right now"
" Ya. I did MBA. And got a good job from there"

"Great. So how is your work life going on?"
" Its pretty good. My company gives me a chance to maintain a good work-life balance"

.......
.......

And they kept on having a chat for an hour. Later, their family members came outside which made them stop the conversation. Everyone was smiling and knew that they will see each other a lot in future.

***                                                        ***                                                     ***

First day in college

He was late for his lecture. He reached room no. 6 and was panting heavily. Luckily, there was no professor in the class. He went in and sat besides a girl. He wiped his sweat and looked at his watch. But his mind was attracted towards a peculiar fragrance. He looked towards the girl sitting on his left as he expected that she might have got some good perfume. But he soon realised that its not of some perfume. This magnetic fragrance was coming from her long enchanting hair and distracting him from concentrate anywhere else.


After one month

Now, because he was attracted towards this girl, he tried to make sure that they become friends. They soon exchanged their numbers and kept texting and chatting with each other for long hours. They always used to sit together. Within no time, they were really good friends.
They used to talk about everything from family fun talks to stressful career ambiguities. Apart from each other, they didn't befriend many people around them. Most of them were mere acquaintances. And the reason was very clear: they never needed anyone else.

After two months

One fine day, they were sitting in the campus park and having a gala time with each other. He felt a sudden gush of blood as a thought struck his mind. He did not even want his breath to become a distraction at that time. He turned towards her and said " You know we are just perfect together. And I really adore you. Don't you think that we should consider the next level?"

The girl went all pink. She was surprised and tried to conceal her feeling so that she could say something. After waiting for about 10 seconds, she finally opened her tender lips and tried to speak her heart out. She took sometime to find out a particular way to express her feelings.

Her first word was a pearl like water droplet onto a rose petal. She said "Yes, Even I think so"

But as soon as the water mixed with happiness tried to come out of his eyes, a bitter pain was mixed into that as soon as she said
"But"

"But we can not be together. I have few restrictions. I told you about them na. Sorry, but even after feeling so right with you, we can never be together."

***                                                          ***                                                ***

What do you think my dear friends, how do you decide whether you will accept or reject some proposition?

Is it done by
Using some paper and pen to jot down all the pluses and minuses?
Or is it just by going with your gut feeling?
Or by flipping a coin?
Or some other creative way?

But if you are a rational person, you may like to see the problem from all the sides and then decide. Even if you do that, do you know what will be the root of all your + or -?

Situation!!

In your life, weather you accept or reject something completely depends on the situation. The way a particular thing comes across is the main punch. It can make or break the situation. It can change your perspective completely and make you re-think even if you have rejected it before. Situation changes positives into negatives and vice-versa.

Let me explain and elaborate it with the help of an example.
You remember the first and second part of this article, right?

Right, let's start then.

In both the situations, I have expressed love and its validity in various cases. Love is considered to be pure and an unbiased feeling of a human being. It is one's strength and weakness at the same moment. It is something which makes you skip a beat or makes your cardiac muscles work harder. So, I have taken this inexpressible feeling to explain the basis of this blog article.
In the two cases, both individuals feel in love with each other. It is an unsaid and unexpressed attraction for each other. We are talking about same two people who met in two different ways. In the very first case, they met by usual proceedings that happen in arrange marriages in India while in second case they were caught in a love trap.
But situation changed the outcome drastically.
While in the first case, they get to spend their complete lives together and probably happily ever after, whereas in the second case they were unable to get together because of some shortcomings and hiccups in between. In both the cases, feelings remained same but situation changed the ways.

So, are you really sure that you don't want X or there is an "or"?

Because this magical universe can make you do anything anytime!!
I would like to quote something from the Bhagavad-gita:

"All material activities in the world are being conducted under the three modes of material nature. Although these material modes of nature are emanations from the supreme lord, Krishna, He is not subject to them."